Monday Movie: The Brothers Grimm

This 2005 movie is dumb as shit at times, but it's one of my favorites.

I'm into it.

Heath Ledger and Matt Damon play the famous Grimm brothers...except at this point, they're famous for banishing evil from the land.  Except they're fakes.  They put on elaborate shows of demon-hunting and witch-slaying in order to make some money off of superstitious townsfolk.

And they look damn fine doing so.

Eventually, of course, they find themselves facing a very real threat: a dangerous, sexy evil queen who's kidnapping little girls to steal their youth and beauty.

This is the sexiest picture I've ever seen.  Goddamn, let me get in the middle of that.

In terms of guilty pleasure movies, you can't get much better than this.  It has all the essentials:

• hot people
• period costumes
• witty banter
• lame special effects
• beautiful scenery (both the hot people and the sets)
• directed by Terry Gilliam
• Heath Ledger

Yep, it's perfect.  Pop it in, turn down your brain, and grab some ice cream for a lovely night of implausible daydreams and wry smiles.

Glee: Should Have Quit While It Was Ahead

Uuuughhh, this show...I can't tear myself away from it.  I used to love it.  Then I got a little bored with it, but kept watching.  Then I watched it mostly for the trainwreck it is.

Now I just watch in hopes that there'll be a good song or two and that Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch) will do something awesome.

Best part of Glee.

I don't really have anything to say about the plot of Glee, because it's just about high schoolers (and now college kids) singing about their feelings.  Every plotline has been done before, so the only thing remotely fresh about it is when they cover pop songs for no damn reason other than the fact that they're popular right now.

I haven't seen this episode yet, but I can't wait to shoot myself after watching it.

And I fucking love Gangnam Style.

Glee clearly peaked in its first season, when it was still more of a comedy than a drama.  Now, Ryan Murphy is just trying to cram all the social issues he can into each episode: transgender identities, eating disorders, and bullying are the hot topics this season (though bullying is one every season).

There is hardly any continuity and even less consistent characterization on this show.  Characters drop who they are completely just to sing a song that might make some money if people download it on iTunes.  Lesser characters go ignored completely, sometimes not even showing up in the background of episodes, only to appear later with some forced plot so we can pretend that they matter too.

But when you bring older characters back to watch the high school's musical and they have a dream sequence where they're the stars instead of the new kids, it's pretty goddamn clear that the writers will be forcing Lea Michele and crew on us for seasons to come.  I don't have anything against these actors or their characters; it's just depressing from a storytelling standpoint--and, I'd imagine, for the new stars who are struggling to make an impact on the show.

Usually this is the part where I'd recommend that you watch the show, but after watching "Glease," I'm not even going to bother.  You're welcome.  This isn't even a guilty pleasure anymore; it's just guilt.

Now to download the next episode.  I continue in a dark spiral of abominable writing, shitty characterization, and mediocre acting.  Wish me luck.

Project Runway: Hot Messes Galore

"Project Runway?  More like Project RunGAY."  --my ex trying to be funny

I have to be honest: I never really understood the term "hot mess."  Does it mean something or someone that is hot, but happens to be a mess?  Or does it simply mean a mess that is substantial enough to be called "hot?"  Either way, I think Project Runway can be a great representative of this phrase.

Project Runway is a competition in which hopeful fashion designers battle it out for a chance to show their collections at New York Fashion Week.  The overall winner gets a shitload of prizes, like money, technology, and trips to fashion capitals of the world.

I fucking adore this show, which shames me to say.  I never thought I'd become so invested in a show about fashion sense, seeing as I have none whatsoever (case in point: I am wearing a Lego Batman shirt from the boys' section at Target right now).  Project Runway is curiously addicting--I'm always stoked to see what these people can come up with next.  Which can range from hilariously awful to jaw-droppingly gorgeous.

And the best part is, sometimes you're totally baffled by what's considered breathtaking or vomit-inducing.

Heidi Klum sees a stunning gown; I see a glorified toga.

The world of fashion is hilarious.  I present to you, for your lazy perusal, the five worst Project Runway creations of all time.

And finally, no Project Runway conversation would be complete without mention of the ever-fabulous Tim Gunn, mentor to the designers.

What a badass.

I don't really have anything to add about him; I just really wanted to put that gif in my post.

Episodes of Project Runway are available on Hulu and on their official site.

Doctor Who: Not for Non-Nerds

It pains me to include Doctor Who on a list of shitty shows because I love it so much.  However, I feel it belongs in the "guilty pleasure" category simply because there's still prejudice about it.

To be fair, it can get pretty silly.

While nerd culture is certainly growing and becoming more accepted, there are some things that "normal" people never really get the hang of.  Dungeons and Dragons.  Magic: The Gathering.  Golden Age comic books.

And, as I'm coming to realize, Doctor Who.

It's okay, Ten.  There are millions of fangirls who will always love you.

For those of you who aren't acquainted with the Doctor, this show follows him (in one of his eleven regenerations) and his companions in adventures throughout space and time.  The Doctor (just "the Doctor") is a Time Lord travelling in his ship, the TARDIS (Time And Relative Dimensions In Space), whose disguise mechanism is broken, leaving it looking like a 60s police box.

Sexy.

If you're interested in jumping into this cesspool of nerdiness and heart-wrenching emotions, keep in mind that Doctor Who's been around awhile--we're getting close to its fifty-year anniversary, in fact.  The show has captured audiences with all eleven regenerations of the Doctor, and it doesn't look like they'll be stopping any time soon.

Still, if you want to watch (and I really recommend that you do), I suggest starting with the "reboot" that aired in 2005.  After about ten years off the air, the show was brought back, much to the excitement of long-time fans.  Anyway, look for the episode called "Rose" on Netflix (or however you watch TV, I don't judge) for an excellent starting point.  If you'd rather watch from the very beginning, look for the 1963 episode "The Unearthly Child," which is unfortunately not on Netflix.

Nerd on, my fellow geeks.  Nerd on.

American Horror Story: Ghosts Love Babies

...and they will rape your mother to get them.

American Horror Story is my newest guilty pleasure, unless you count American Horror Story: Asylum, which is the show's second season.  Since I finished the entire first season in a weekend and, sadly, only seven episodes of Asylum are out (I watched them all yesterday), I'll just focus on season one for now.

So anyway, back to ghosts raping humans for babies.

Raping humans in this outfit, no less.

The Harmon family moves to Los Angeles after Mrs. Harmon (Connie Britton) has a miscarriage and Dr. Harmon (Dylan McDermott) is caught by her banging one of his students.  They find a lovely old house that's curiously super cheap.  They learn that the last owners of the house died in a murder-suicide, but they're so desperate to fix their clearly broken family that they buy the house anyway.  Unfortunately, they learn that everyone who died in the house (and it's a ridiculous number of people)--including Dr. Harmon's mistress, the gay couple who inhabited the house before the Harmons, and none other than the Black Dahlia--stays there as a ghost.

Also this kid, who rapes mothers and kills people for no discernible reason.

Now, American Horror Story hasn't gotten terrible reviews (at least to my knowledge), so you may be wondering what exactly qualifies it as a shitty show.  Well, it's nasty.  Both in a gross-out and a sexual sense. I mean, when you have people getting killed by a ghost in a leather BDSM suit, that's kind of a given.  So, this isn't exactly a show I'd goad my parents into watching.  Gross stuff doesn't bother me--in fact, it's intriguing in a I-love-to-be-shocked kind of way--but I'd just as soon not think about my mom and dad observing the slutty dead maid who tries to seduce Dr. Harmon at every turn.

I mean, I don't blame her, but sometimes I like plot over sex.

Finally, I feel like I can't rightfully talk about American Horror Story without mentioning the pure awesomeness that is Jessica Lange.  She plays one crazy bitch, and can make you love, hate, and feel sorry for said crazy bitch beautifully.  It's mesmerizing to watch.

She's better than you and she knows it.

I've heard that American Horror Story has recently come to Netflix streaming, so check it out there.  It's definitely not a show for everyone, so don't bother with it if you don't feel like tapping into your darker side and possibly getting very disturbed.

Monday Movie: The Decoy Bride

2011's The Decoy Bride, starring David Tennant, makes up my first installment of Monday Movies here at I Love That Shitty Show.  As you can guess if you're not a moron, Monday Movies = dumb movies I love.

And this one's pretty dumb.

Sigh.

The Decoy Bride is about a crazy-famous actress (Alice Eve) trying to get married to a writer (David Tennant).  They escape to a little Scottish island called Hegg, where the writer's book was set...except he's never been there, because he's a lazy researcher or something.  Anyway, the press find the couple, and so someone has the brilliant idea to have a fake wedding using a local girl (Kelly MacDonald) as, you guessed it, a decoy bride.  And of course, the groom falls in love with the decoy after spending one day with her.  I'm not even spoiling anything for you; you can literally tell by the poster that this is going to happen.

How wistful!

Well, on the plus side, this movie is so goddamn cute.  As a Doctor Who fan, I'm obligated to be in love with David Tennant (though truthfully my favorite Doctor is Christopher Eccleston), and Kelly MacDonald is adorable, even though her character is terrible ("ooh look, I'm so unlucky in love and I've given up even though I'm young and attractive.  Look how awkward I am."  Yeah, we've never seen that before).  Add to that the charming beauty of Scotland (or wherever the hell they filmed this; I'm not a geographer) and you've got the perfect movie to curl up with a pint of Ben & Jerry's in front of you as you spend another weekend sitting in your apartment feeling sorry for yourself.

I'm so alone.

Arrow: Pretty Rich People Trying Not To Be Assholes

This show is so dumb.  Just.  So dumb.  But, being the nerd that I am, I can't tear myself away from a superhero/vigilante plot.

Green Arrow, the comic book character the show is based on, is a Robin Hood-esque fellow who fights crime.  That's...really about all you need to know, actually.  Huh.  That was much easier to explain than I thought it would be.

Arrow has polished this comic into a series filled with attractive rich people.  Hey, it's the CW.  Someone's gotta make money over there, and sexiness breeds money.

GOOD LORD!

Oliver Queen, the Green Arrow himself (in the show people just refer to him as "the Hood," because that's so much less cheesy), was shipwrecked on an island for five years.  He conveniently returns with crazy-ass survival skills and a just plain ridiculous archery ability, even though he was a pussy before crashing on the island.

"But I don't wanna learn archery!  Archery is for peasants."

"Just do it, you little shit."

"..."

"...okay."

Anyway, he gets back to his hometown with a mysterious list of names of rich jerks around the city that his dad gave him before he died (spoiler alert: the dad shoots himself on the raft they're stuck on after the shipwreck.  That's pretty metal).

So, of course, Oliver takes on a new identity and kills the people on the list by night while hiding his secret from his wealthy family by day.

"We have shitloads of money, but we throw lots of charity events so you know we're not dicks."

The cast of characters includes his bratty sister, his hot mom, his playboy best friend, and of course, the love interest, a young, gorgeous woman who never looks even slightly frazzled even though she's a lawyer in a huge city rampant with crime.

Seriously?  I can't even look that good if I spend all day trying, much less if I was battling corruption.

All in all, Arrow has all the best qualities of a guilty pleasure TV show: hot people, a silly plot, and characters that try to be deep but fail miserably.  And as an extra bonus (or a drawback if you're a loser), it's nerdy!  Deadshot and Deathstroke have already made appearances, and the Huntress is showing up soon.  For those of you who don't speak nerd, don't worry.  The goofy costumes will let you know who they are.

Check out Arrow here: http://www.hulu.com/arrow.  Even if you don't plan on watching, click the link for a yummy picture.  Mmm.  Damn.

Request your favorite shitty show and I'll do my damndest to review it!

The Glee Project: Songs and Children Crying

Okay, so they're not really children.  I think the youngest person on this competition to be on Glee was 18 or so.  Still, they'll be playing children (if they win), so it's sort of the same thing, right?

It's not all sad tears, though!  There are plenty of happy moments that threaten to make my shriveled heart grow three sizes.

There are sweet surprises...

She's so goddamn cute.  Just look at her.

...rousing musical numbers...

Get it girl!

...and swingsets at proms.

Okay, I don't really get that one, but it looked fun for them.

The ultimate goal is to get a seven-episode guest-starring role on Glee (another guilty pleasure of mine that will surely show up on this blog at some point), and though it's heartbreaking to see most of the contestants' dreams get shattered, it's (sorta) worth it to see someone win.

Because sometimes all you need in life is a lame part written on a show already so convoluted that adding a poorly-developed character is really a dumb decision.

Oh well, the music's good.

America's Next Top Model: Ladies, Legs, and Lulz

"This was my 'guilty pleasure' show.  I hate that it's been ruined."  --Hulu commenter

As a lover of reality TV, of course I watch America's Next Top Model.  There's all the stuff I like in there: hot people, competitions, and crying.  However, the show is getting flak for changing its format.  Now, in the show's 19th "cycle" (a term that's always made me uncomfortable), the viewers are allowed to have a say in who stays and who goes instead of the judges mediating everything.  Apparently that, with the removal of photographer Nigel and mentors the "J's," is enough to "ruin" this clearly quality show.

There are all sorts of interesting characters that have shown up for some reason, too.

supermodel Rob Evans and dancer Jonte'

a fabulous YouTube leprechaun named P'trique

Who am I to judge?  Jonte' can rock his bedazzled onesie with matching devil-horned baseball cap if he wants.  I love it.  I wonder if those hats are on sale.  I'd wear one if I had any self-confidence.

Thank you, Tyra Banks, for offering girls who are 10x more attractive than me the opportunity to make money (seriously, it really helps them out--when they win challenges this season, they win scholarship money).  Plus I just like the random themes for photoshoots.

Yay taxidermy!

Interested?  You know you are.  It's impossible to resist the drama of gorgeous women living in a house together.  Watch America's Next Top Model here: http://www.hulu.com/americas-next-top-model

Bachelor Pad: Tears, Booze, and Drama

"this show should be called 'Tenth Grade Pool Party'." --Hulu commenter

Ah, where to begin with my most shameful guilty pleasure show: Bachelor Pad.  For those of you lucky enough not to have heard of it, here's the gist: losers from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette live in a mansion together, fight with each other, and cry a lot for a chance at $250,000.

Yeah.  I can't believe I watch it either.

I rarely watch The Bachelor/ette, so why does this shitty show have so much appeal for me?  Well, besides it being poor reality TV (something I can't seem to tear myself away from), there are a few elements that make this show so weirdly entertaining.

Hot people.  Bikinis and trunks.  Silly dates (they went to a wax museum and pretended to be statues once.  WTF).  Silly competitions (a spelling bee, I shit you not).

It was just awkward for everyone.

And tears.  So.  Many.  Tears.

Tears after the spelling bee (I kind of wanted to cry too).

Tears on a bunk bed.

Tears by a strange lava lamp.

All that salty goodness entertains me for some reason.  I guess I'm just an asshole.  But at least I...well...nah, I got nothing.  I'm just a dick.

Ha-ha, pretty people crying.  Ha motherfuckin' ha.  Continue to amuse me for the prospect of a quarter of a million dollars.